The fear of other people's opinions is natural!
It's hard to know why people bother having the idiotic opinions they have, but it does give grumps a chance to grumble. IS IT ALL GREEK TO YOU? PETER THE PROOFER WILL SAVE HOI POLLOI!
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No, not nostalgia. That only hurts when you cry.
Costalgia is rib-muscle pain. Worse than a pain in the neck. DOES ENGLISH DRIVE YOU NUTS WITH SOUND-ALIKES? PETER THE PROOFER WILL SAVE EWE! Beware of hastily swallowing fresh oysters!
They may contain pearls, and you can get that extra calcium elsewhere. FED UP WITH OBSCURE VOCABULARY? PETER THE PROOFER WILL CLARIFY EVERYTHING! Yes, I suffer from a rare and debilitating disorder, the fear of pain.
The doctor said I should just remain in bed. I would say 'from the Greek', only I don't think we can blame that Homeric people! DO PEOPLE PERPLEX YOU WITH STRANGE WORDS? PETER THE PROOFER WILL WAGE PERMANENT REVOLUTION AGAINST PERPLEXITY! No, no, no, silly, chiromancy is palm reading!
Cross my palm with silver and I'll show you the hairs growing on yours. IS IT ALL GREEK TO YOU? PETER THE PROOFER WILL SAVE HOI POLLOI! From the Greek, divining the future by analysing burning wood.
The future ends up looking like a handful of ash, which is really heartening. At least nothing is on fire! IS IT ALL GREEK TO YOU? PETER THE PROOFER WILL SAVE HOI POLLOI! Before science or the Sydney Morning Herald, how did you know what next year's rate of interest would be, or whether the Spartans would attack?
Well, prettywell everything that moved was scrutinised for clues. Entrails, weather, earthquakes, thunderclaps, indeed any 'perturbation of nature', was examined and opined upon by ancient priests and crones. Ololygmancy is predicting the future from the barking and howling of dogs. From the Greek. I would say two days of howling by a Dobermann Pinscher means war with Germany. IS IT ALL GREEK TO YOU? PETER THE PROOFER WILL SAVE HOI POLLOI! So, where were we with the beer?
I think we're up to the 10-ouncer. It's a 'middy' in Sydney, Perth, and Canberra, but a 'schooner' in Adelaide. In Hobart it's a 'ten', in Darwin a 'handle', and in Brisbane and Melbourne it's a 'pot'. At the big end of glasses, there is much greater consensus across the wide brown land, which befits a nation of big drinkers. The 15-ouncer is called a 'schooner' everywhere but in Adelaide, where it is a 'pint'. Typical South Australian exceptionalism! Finally, the rare 20-ouncer is a 'pint' everywhere but in Adelaide, where it is an 'imperial pint'. Bloody imperialists! BAMBOOZLED BY DIALECT? PETER THE PROOFER WILL UNSCRAMBLE ANYTHING! You don't have to be a foreigner to be confused by the names of Australian beer servings.
As Napoleon's metric invasion didn't reach Oz until 1972, the hidden backbone of our beer servings remains the fluid ounce. There are glasses which are 4, 5, 6, 7, 10, 12, 15, and 20 fluid ounces. Of course nobody mentions fluid ounces anymore, but those old numbers are under the lot like skeletons in the cupboard or a dead language. In Hobart you call a 4-ouncer a 'small beer', in Melbourne you call it a 'foursie', while in Perth it is a 'shetland'. In Sydney we just call that one a 'why bother'. In Sydney, Brisbane, Adelaide and Perth you call a 5-ouncer a 'pony', while in Melbourne you could call it a 'horse'. Typical Melburnian oneupmanship! In Melbourne you call a 6-ouncer a 'small glass', in Hobart it is a 'six', and in Perth it is a 'bobbie'. In Darwin or Hobart a 7-ouncer is a 'seven', and in Adelaide it is a 'butcher'. In a triumph of literalism, in Melbourne and Perth they call it a 'glass' and in Brisbane a 'beer'. Confused? It's the beer! Tomorrow we will look at the more serious serving-sizes. DRIVEN MAD BY LOCAL USAGE? PETER THE PROOFER IS MR FIXIT! You may have thought I would stop firkin around now.
You were wrong! I have looked deep into beer barrels and they have looked back at me. The big one is the tun, which is 216 gallons or two butts, the butt being two hogsheads, the barrel being two-thirds of a hogshead or two kilderkins, the kilderkin being half a barrel or two firkins, and the pin being half a firkin or four and a half gallons. The kempkin and kinkin are also little kegs or barrels, of indeterminate volume but cute name. Got that? Don't even consider that the measures might all be slightly different if there is wine in those butts, because they are! So, off your butts and into the firkin hogsheads! TERRIFIED BY MEDIEVAL USAGE? PETER THE PROOFER WILL COVER YOUR BUTT! |
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December 2017
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